I’m lying in my bed tonight attempting to type in the dark. And I am trying a new format so when I post this maybe it won’t do the weird format thing that randomly shortens a line. I’m trying to figure it out so it isn’t so annoying for you guys to read. Which, by the way, is it just annoying all together? Are you so sick of my drama that you are ready to unfriend me? Did you already unfriend me and no one is reading this at all. Well….this is awkward.
But I will continue anyway. I left last time the night I went to the temple. While I was in there I was pleading to somehow get out of this slump. I hated feeling this angry and every time that I thought I was getting better, I would hear something new and get angry all over again. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted to overcome this funk. When I left I was disappointed that I did not get that answer of how to get out of it.
Kevin and I walked to the car and opened the trunk where I grabbed my phone. There was a missed call and a couple of texts that I missed. I looked and it was a friend of mine asking if I could bring a meal to someone in need. And then her taking it back because she forgot all that I was dealing with. And like the flip of a light I knew what I needed to do to get out of this funk. I needed to find someone that I could help. So I called my friend and insisted that I was bringing this meal. Explained to her that this was answer to MY prayer, this is what *I* needed to feel better. I might have been bringing a meal to someone who needed some food, but I was the one that needed to do that service.
I needed to forget about my problems and help another in need. So I did. And I felt a little bit better. Good enough that I felt like leaving my house other than to wear myself out on a long walk. My errands had stacked up so the next day I ran all over the place catching up on them. I had bags of things that I was carrying in the house after I picked up the boys from school and one of them brought a friend home to play with as well. I walked through the door and even though I had a whole bunch of things
to get done in the house I felt like the most important thing in that moment as for me to sit down and write. I tried to ignore it for a few minutes, but every time I started to do something else, it become more obvious that for whatever reason I needed to sit and write something. I didn’t know what, but I did know that ignoring that prompt was not a good idea. So I told my boys that I was going to go sit in my room for a little while and work on my computer. I sat down, opened a Word document and stared at the blank screen for a little while.
My room was silent and, remarkably, the kids were being incredibly quiet downstairs.
I listened. And I heard a faint whisper. And a rush of warmth ran through my whole body. I started typing and didn’t have any idea what voice my fingers were listening to. Tears started welling up in my eyes as I was reading what was being typed by my fingers. It was that moment that I knew I was a vessel. A messenger. This is what was typed that afternoon:
Today I sat up in a cloud and watched you play all day; I saw you smile, I heard you laugh, I helped you on your way.
I held your hand so tight today and hugged you when you fell; I kissed it better and wiped your tears stayed till you were well.
Today I saw you win that game and jumped up and down with bliss; I was so proud and cheered and yelled and blew you a great big kiss.
Today I saw you read that book that you have been working on; I helped you sound each letter out and followed right along.
I sat and listened to your heart and heard each thing it said; Today I cried each time you cried and laid with you in your bed.
I stared deep in your eyes today and remembered all those times; your laughter rang within my ears just like Christmas chimes.
Today I knelt right next to you and listened as you prayed; I heard you say you wanted comfort when you were afraid.
I watched you make a friend today and saw how scared you were; I whispered in your ear, just then, that he would be nice, I was
sure.
I saw you all alone today and heard your heart cry out; I sat beside you and stroked your hair and helped you not to doubt.
I tucked you in your bed tonight and kissed you on your head; I watched you as you fell asleep and prayed for your day ahead.
Tonight I watched you dream all night and made sure they were sweet; I scared the bad ones all away then softly kissed you on your cheek.
My sweetest little Avanley and toughest little Nash, beside you I will always be, I'll always have your back.
I did not write those words. I simply typed them for my Baby Sister to tell to two children.
It was an incredibly dreamlike experience. It was her. She needed to tell her babies those words. And she needed me to hear the heartbreak that she was now living with. We had things taken from us when she died, but no one had more taken from them than her children did. I felt her pain. I felt the emptiness she felt. I pictured her crying and devastated that she couldn’t hold them again.
I forgave her. How could I not? I instantly felt relief from the anger. She healed me.
I later took the words she whispered to me and together with pictures of her and her 2 kids that I gathered put them into a book and gave them to who they belonged to.
But I will continue anyway. I left last time the night I went to the temple. While I was in there I was pleading to somehow get out of this slump. I hated feeling this angry and every time that I thought I was getting better, I would hear something new and get angry all over again. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted to overcome this funk. When I left I was disappointed that I did not get that answer of how to get out of it.
Kevin and I walked to the car and opened the trunk where I grabbed my phone. There was a missed call and a couple of texts that I missed. I looked and it was a friend of mine asking if I could bring a meal to someone in need. And then her taking it back because she forgot all that I was dealing with. And like the flip of a light I knew what I needed to do to get out of this funk. I needed to find someone that I could help. So I called my friend and insisted that I was bringing this meal. Explained to her that this was answer to MY prayer, this is what *I* needed to feel better. I might have been bringing a meal to someone who needed some food, but I was the one that needed to do that service.
I needed to forget about my problems and help another in need. So I did. And I felt a little bit better. Good enough that I felt like leaving my house other than to wear myself out on a long walk. My errands had stacked up so the next day I ran all over the place catching up on them. I had bags of things that I was carrying in the house after I picked up the boys from school and one of them brought a friend home to play with as well. I walked through the door and even though I had a whole bunch of things
to get done in the house I felt like the most important thing in that moment as for me to sit down and write. I tried to ignore it for a few minutes, but every time I started to do something else, it become more obvious that for whatever reason I needed to sit and write something. I didn’t know what, but I did know that ignoring that prompt was not a good idea. So I told my boys that I was going to go sit in my room for a little while and work on my computer. I sat down, opened a Word document and stared at the blank screen for a little while.
My room was silent and, remarkably, the kids were being incredibly quiet downstairs.
I listened. And I heard a faint whisper. And a rush of warmth ran through my whole body. I started typing and didn’t have any idea what voice my fingers were listening to. Tears started welling up in my eyes as I was reading what was being typed by my fingers. It was that moment that I knew I was a vessel. A messenger. This is what was typed that afternoon:
Today I sat up in a cloud and watched you play all day; I saw you smile, I heard you laugh, I helped you on your way.
I held your hand so tight today and hugged you when you fell; I kissed it better and wiped your tears stayed till you were well.
Today I saw you win that game and jumped up and down with bliss; I was so proud and cheered and yelled and blew you a great big kiss.
Today I saw you read that book that you have been working on; I helped you sound each letter out and followed right along.
I sat and listened to your heart and heard each thing it said; Today I cried each time you cried and laid with you in your bed.
I stared deep in your eyes today and remembered all those times; your laughter rang within my ears just like Christmas chimes.
Today I knelt right next to you and listened as you prayed; I heard you say you wanted comfort when you were afraid.
I watched you make a friend today and saw how scared you were; I whispered in your ear, just then, that he would be nice, I was
sure.
I saw you all alone today and heard your heart cry out; I sat beside you and stroked your hair and helped you not to doubt.
I tucked you in your bed tonight and kissed you on your head; I watched you as you fell asleep and prayed for your day ahead.
Tonight I watched you dream all night and made sure they were sweet; I scared the bad ones all away then softly kissed you on your cheek.
My sweetest little Avanley and toughest little Nash, beside you I will always be, I'll always have your back.
I did not write those words. I simply typed them for my Baby Sister to tell to two children.
It was an incredibly dreamlike experience. It was her. She needed to tell her babies those words. And she needed me to hear the heartbreak that she was now living with. We had things taken from us when she died, but no one had more taken from them than her children did. I felt her pain. I felt the emptiness she felt. I pictured her crying and devastated that she couldn’t hold them again.
I forgave her. How could I not? I instantly felt relief from the anger. She healed me.
I later took the words she whispered to me and together with pictures of her and her 2 kids that I gathered put them into a book and gave them to who they belonged to.
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